Don’t worry, we’re all guilty of sin. We have all fallen short. And that’s okay, some of us are highly practical and will wear things like ‘surf shades’ whilst surfing to minimise the glare. So don’t beat yourself up, even the great Gerry Lopez used to surf with goggles at G-Land to stop his eyes from turning into date balls. And Gerry’s probably the coolest surfer on planet earth. So before you pick up your pitchforks and burn down the house like the Taking Heads, we’re simply trying to lead you on the path to righteousness and help you look like less of a kook.
Herewith a few things that make you look like a kook:
Grip on a Fish
When you procure a fish you’re entering a world of non-performance surfing. You’re not trying to do the craziest off-the-lip, neither are you going for the wildest, rail-burying Dane Reynolds inspired carve. No sir. You’re on a fish, so you gotta surf like you’re on a fish. Draw new lines, get creative with your surfing, make it look effortless, stylish and free. And for goodness sake, don’t you dare put a grip on your fish. Unless you want your shaper to get a hernia? If you love your shaper, consider his/her feelings and keep that grip far away from your fish. The same goes for longboards.
Boardies and Booties
Come on bro! I mean really. We all know the reef is sharp in Indonesia. But are your feet soft as a babies bottom? So soft that you’d throw away your dignity to avoid a small scratch on your feet? Your wife and children are on the beach, my brother. Don’t embarrass them! You wouldn’t go to the mall wearing a pair of board shorts and a scarf? I don’t care if your ballas get warm and your neck gets chilly. You need to decide, are we doing summer or winter? If we’re doing winter than let’s go with jeans and a scarf, if we’re doing summer, let’s go with boardies and a t-shirt.
The Leash Wrap
My man, you can wrap that leash around you board before you tie it to the roof of your car. No sir, we do not wrap our leashes straight after we’ve exited the water. #KookMove. Take it easy. You have time to wrap your leash. Once you’ve finished your surf, gently unwrap it from your foot, hold it in your hand and make your way up the beach. You have your whole life to wrap that leash right round the fins, so slow down cowboy.
Are you a frog? Maybe you froth on ducks? No? Then why are you trying to look like one? We’re humans, not amphibians. We don’t have webbed feet, so why you gotta wrap your extremities with webbed gloves? You look silly. It’s like wearing a sign above your head that says, “Please drop in on me, I’m about to fall.” We don’t wear signs like that, so you shouldn’t wear paddle gloves.
Pumping a longboard
We shouldn’t have to justify this with a paragraph. Sorry Zigzag, you can take 50 bucks off my fee. I just won’t.
Fins are not skegs
Dear surfer, fins are not called skegs. Skegs are what you find on a paddle ski. Are you a paddle skier? Nope? Than please refer to your FCS Julian Wilson pro model skegs as fins. We don’t care that when you google the word ‘skeg’ it’s defined as “a fin underneath the rear of a surfboard.” – dear Google, you got that horribly wrong. Someone call Sundar Pichai, CEO of Google, let’s get him into the Zag offices, let’s help him get this right. Skegs don’t have anything to do with surfboards.
Wax Face Up
Oh dear me. Oh my word. You exit the water, under the blazing African sunshine, you make your up the beach to your group of friends under sun umbrellas, revelling in the beauty of nature and you place your surfboard wax up in the sand. GASP! And your wax turns into a heated honey and slides off your yellowing surfboard like water down a waterfall. Oh dear me, my friend. Crucial error! If you care for your surfboard, you’ll find a delightful and shady spot and place your board WAX DOWN on the beach.