3 July, 2018 3 July, 2018

Corona Open JBay – Day 2

Have you ever surfed Supertubes in the northwesterly? The ‘Devil Wind’? Well we’ll tell you, it sucks. It’s probably kinda like surfing Bingin in Bali. Bingin is the easiest barrel known to mankind. You literally paddle in, angle your board sideways, and ride through a barrel. But Bingin has become so ridiculously crowded, people paddling you up the point, drop-ins etc, that it’s basically impossible to get barrelled. The ‘Devil Wind’ is kinda like that, you watch these perfect waves roll by, but just can’t damn well seem to surf them properly. It’s like being in heaven but feeling the heat of hell.

Anyway, for half the morning Satan blew his devil wind, but soon the wind swung south west, and the surf got so good. SO SO SO damn good it made you feel ill. Literally, watching empty perfect Supers’ waves roll by made us feel a bit sickly. 

Here are some keynotes from the day’s action: 

The GOAT dealing with a couple of devil wind chops. Image: Ewing

Kelly Slater Steals Parko’s Thunder – But He Ain’t Stealing Jordy’s

Couple days ago Parko announced his retirement, he put together a wonderful little edit where he took his two best mates, Fanni and Occy for a cheeky surf up the coast. Agh and the sweetheart Joel is, shyly announced his retirement to Occ and Fanni, stating that the Banzai Pipeline would be his final rodeo. It was wonderfully thought out, and fantastic end  to what has been a stellar career. But as Kelly does, he decided that he’d announce his retirement the next day as well. Hopping on a post-heat interview and letting the world also know that he’d also be retiring the end of next year. hahaha. The audacity. To announce your retirement the day after your colleague a year and a half before the time. Is this standup comedy!?

Nobody stole Parko’s thunder today. He dropped a 9.37 to dispose of Michel Bourez in round 3. Image: Thurtell

Anyway, Kelly stole Joel’s thunder, but he wasn’t going to steal Jordy’s. The GOAT started off the heat pretty strong with a 7.07 to Jordy’s trifecta of sixes. But Jordy decided that was the end of Kelly’s thunder stealing antics, and he laid down the law, dropping an 8.00 hammer on Kelly’s smooth dome. Jordy walked away with a heat win and the only South African to advance to the third round.

“But Jordy decided that was the end of Kelly’s thunder stealing antics, and he laid down the law, dropping an 8.00 hammer on Kelly’s smooth dome.” Image: Ewing

Mikey Wright – Dirty Surfing. Dirty Hairstyle

You need to show Jbay love for her to show you some love back. You don’t love Jbay, she don’t love you. And how do you show her love? By buying her gifts you ask? No, by spending time with her.

How do you think Mikey Wright would caption this image on his Instagram? Mike showing Jbay some love. Image: Ewing

In heat 10 of round 2, Mikey displayed his superior timing and understanding of the different sections of Supertubes. A two wave set came through, Mikey and Jesse split the loot and began unleashing mayhem on the open face. Mikey fell in rhythm with the wave, timing his first turn superbly, which set him up perfectly for the rest of the wave. Every turn after the first was Mikey just getting dirty, filthy; he surfed so feculently it made that horrible mullet look squeaky clean. Dropping hammers like he was MC. Jesse on the other hand mistimed his opening turn, a turn for the sake of doing a turn, executed in a weird part of the wave. It looked like a man smoking a cigarette to pass the time while waiting for a Golden Arrow bus to arrive. And it put Jesse out of rhythm, and it cost him. He got a low 7 when the wave had excellent  written all over it.

Jesse Mendes put up a valiant effort, but it was too little too late. Image: Ewing

Mikey’s showed Jbay love over the years, and Jbay showed him love today.

Every turn after the first was Mikey just getting dirty, filthy; he surfed so feculently it made that horrible mullet look squeaky clean. Image: Ewing

Mikey February vs Ace Buchan – The Surgeon Don’t Make Mistakes

Putting money behind Ace Buchan is like putting money in a Sanlam Investment Fund. You’re no trader mate, you’re not playing the stock market, watching graphs, predicting trends, trying to make a quick buck, you’re playing it safe. Unless the world blows up and war erupts, your cash will slowly bubble away and you’ll end up making a profit. Ace is like a safe investment, you’re expecting he’ll  drop two good scores on two good waves. The howling North West prevented Ace from dropping his customary two good scores (he only dropped one), but he did take two great waves, and surfed them safely but well, considering the devil wind that is. Knowing this information, when surfing against the Surgeon, one must also be on two good waves and post two good scores. Mikey failed to hustle a good wave off Ace to start the heat, instead settling for a subpar wave, he then took two waves after Ace’s 7.33 handing the Surgeon back priority.

What are the chances that Ace landed this? Probably as much chance as your boring Sanlam Fund growing. Image: Ewing

Mikey spent the rest of the heat playing catchup, but damn, he’s so damn stylish and beautiful to watch on a wave, we didn’t even mind. Mikey seems in some ways too good for the tour. His gorgeous approach to surfing and life unappreciated by the judges. The box criteria to wave riding conjured up by performance surfing unable to award scores such a stylish man deserves.  Mikey surfed around Ace while Ace waited for another set wave to roll through, pulling a lovely tail high rotation and blitzing the lip a couple times. Mikey fell just shy of the required 0.54 to advance. It was a sad defeat, but the more heats Mikey surfs on this tour, and the more he learns the better the performances we’re bound to see. Regardless, we support #Team54 for life!

A stylishly delicate rotation. #Team54 for life!. Image: Ewing

Connor O’Leary – The Calculator

I was forced to take a Maths course in university. It was a brutal affair, the first lecture of the day, an 8am start, complimented by the computing of equations for an hour. An hour that felt like an eternity. The lecturer would walk in without acknowledging the presence of the audience and begin unleashing a hailstorm of sums. He had six massive rotating chalk boards at his disposal, and he filled those six chalk boards like he was writing a short story. A short story of mathematical sums. 60% of the people of in the class had no idea what the hell was going on 5 minutes into the class, but continued to scribble down his mathematical ramblings like their lives depended on it. “If x is equal to the square route of this, than four to the power of y will give you the square route of x divided by 5. It was horrendous. The point is that when you surf Supers on the backhand, you’re continuously calculating. You need to think two backhand blasts down the line and prepare for them in the blast you’re currently doing.

Connor ‘The Calculator’ O’Leary’s computations where perfect. He approached each off-the-lip at a different angle. When the wave slowed up, he went vert, and when it gathered momentum, he kicked the tail harder and projected down the line.

In heat 11 of round 2, Connor and Zeke must’ve started their heat with a cheeky tussle (we expect nothing less of Zeke), because when the siren narrating the start of the heat blew, they were way out of frame. But Connor quickly ended that hustle dropping an 8.43 and an 8.73 to put an end to that frivolity.

Connor ‘The Calculator’ O’Leary. Image: Ewing





Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *